Now it is modern times, but some still believe that matchmaking stories are destiny and true love from fairy tales.
Not to mention the presence of romance novels, poetry from poets, as well as relationship goal content that mushroomed on social media, making people more confident and determined to meet their destined soul mate or person.
For them, matchmaking is non-negotiable fate. They believe that when they meet their soulmate, their relationship is guaranteed a smooth and romantic for life.
In the past, I was one of those people who believed in the concept of predestined relationships as such. However, my belief backfired when I broke my heart because the person I considered my soulmate dumped me.
As a result, my heart was hurt even more. I was depressed, cried most days, and waited for my ex to regret and come back to me. After all, your soul mate won’t go anywhere or get swapped out, right?
I am wrong. I lost hope. I’m sure no one else will hang out with me. What does it mean that I am destined not to have a soulmate? Why should I live if I lose my soulmate?
Too Believing in a Mate, More Often Broken Hearts
Unfortunately, there are still many people who don’t realize and believe in the concept of matchmaking.
According to a survey, two out of three Americans still believe in this. Based on these data, a professor of psychology said that the concept of matchmaking can damage relationships.
When a person believes that a soul mate is destiny, it means he thinks his or her lover must be perfect – even though perfection is impossible in a relationship.
If you still believe that your lover is the mate that was destined for you, then you will blame your lover if something goes wrong. You will criticize your lover if they make a mistake.
You will demand that your lover change for you. As a result, you will immediately leave the relationship and look for someone else who you think is perfect.
Though perfection is just hope that blinds you to live a realistic and healthy relationship.
Believing in a soul mate will make you tend to look for a lover to fill in the blanks, not to increase happiness.
Even without the expectation and desire to fill the void, you will actually develop with your lover in a better direction. You will learn how to build healthier, closer, and more romantic relationships.
In fact, the possibility of finding a mate according to destiny is impossible
Mathematically, it proved impossible to find a mate. the chances that you will meet your soulmate is only one in tens of thousands of lives!
It only happens when you have spent your entire life looking for a soul mate. In fact, many people do not have time to find a mate, only a few are able to do so.
Because the pressure of finding a mate is so heavy, some people feel lonely and choose a mate. They rush into marriage, hide all relationship problems, and pretend to be happy in front of other people.
Your lover and destiny do not determine the success of your relationship
If a lover sees a relationship as a space to grow, it will be happier. They see conflict as an opportunity to get closer to each other.
This is different from those who believe in a mate. When faced with conflict, this conflict is actually considered a sign that their partner is not a mate that was destined for them.
So, all couples will definitely encounter conflicts. However, unlike couples who believe too much in destiny, realistic lovers will deal with conflict healthily.
They provide an open space to express each other’s feelings and desires to resolve conflicts. They don’t hold back grumbling because they know their relationship isn’t perfect, so they will continue to fight for each other.
Even so, believing too much in relationships as an endeavor can be bad as well. Couples must give a balanced effort in establishing a relationship.
However, if only one party tries, the relationship will fail. If you are in an abusive relationship, then you are wasting your time trying to fix it.
Go ahead and believe in a soul mate, but a soul mate is not destiny that cannot be changed. Your soul mate is the one who is right by your standards, not destiny.
Even after meeting the right person, you should try to build healthy relationships and there will be conflicts to deal with.
So how do you find a realistic lover? How do you know if he’s the right person for you? Experts suggest this for you:
- List the criteria for your ideal lover
Be as specific and detailed as possible about the qualities you want in your partner. For example, you want a good lover.
Everyone would want to have a good lover. However, the definition of good for you may be different from others.
Examples: people who are like you in conversation, show affection with physical touch as well as you, and are able to accept certain flaws in you.
Then, add general qualities like faith, ethnicity, occupation, etc. as desired. Then, when you meet some people you like, all you have to do is select them according to your criteria.
Writing out criteria like this will help you explore yourself. The result, you will not choose a lover carelessly.
The lover you have will be more compatible with you, because he has the criteria of the lover you want.
- Love yourself first
Experts say that healthy relationships start when you love yourself. You don’t want to find a lover to fill in the blanks for fear of not being able to match.
When looking for a soul mate, take your time to improve your good qualities, improve the quality of your career, personality and life. You have to be able to make yourself happy before you meet your soulmate.
When I believed that I had lost my soulmate at that time, I tried to love myself by leaving my ex.
I spent my time writing my final project to graduate from university (at that time I was at university). Get closer to higher-quality friends, meet lots of people you like, and so on.
By doing all that, I was able to find the right match criteria for me. It turned out that what I thought was wrong.
I can find the right person for me someday, but I hold on for a moment waiting for him to come. I have to move, improve myself first, then I can meet him.
- Observe the relationships around you
Don’t get too busy looking at your relationship goals on social media, as you can create unrealistic relationship expectations.
It is better to observe the relationships of the people closest to you such as the relationship between parents or friends and their partners. This will give you a more realistic view of the relationship.
Observe how they interact in front of you, hear their story for you, and so on. From them, you will learn the positive side you admire and the negative side you hate about their relationship.
If possible, try asking for tips about successful relationships. If their tips work for you, you can practice them when you have a lover.
If they recently broke up or divorced, ask what caused them to separate. Since they are separated, you can make lessons for your own future relationship.
Success to all of you!